The Secret Policeman's Balls Up

No other type of entertainment requires as much guts as live comedy. To get up in front of an audience of strangers with the explicit intention of making them laugh is something very few sane people would dare attempt. Fail and you 'die', suffering the kind of public humiliation that would render most of us hopeless psychological wrecks.

So why is it that so many British comedians are prepared to run that risk with such lame material? Or to put it another way, why do they lack the conviction of their courage?

Last week on Channel 4, a host of British comedians filed on to the stage of Royal Albert Hall to take part in the Secret Policeman's Ball 2008.

Commissioned to raise money for Amnesty International, the show was obviously for a good cause. Yet there's no cause, however worthy, if you're a comedian, that obviates the need to be funny.

And sure enough, the likes of Peter Cook, John Cleese, Rowan Atkinson and Billy Connolly have provided previous Secret Policeman's Balls with some of Britain's finest live comedy moments.

This year, Frank Skinner talked about peeing and having sex 'doggy style' (though not as a simultaneous activity). Jonathan Ross discussed his long testicles. Alan Carr camped on about Botox and blow jobs. And Russell Howard told a story about his brother's erection during an epileptic fit, which was, if you can imagine, less funny than it sounds.

So it went on, one comic after another, dredging the shallows of their pseudo-experiences to come up with ersatz laughter. With all its lavatorial humour and sexual desperation, the Secret Policeman's Ball was the stand-up equivalent of one of Britain's binge-drunk urban centres on a Saturday night at chucking- out time.

What Will We Do Without George W Bush

I know this is a UK comedy blog, but as the end draws near I have to pay tribute to George W Bush. Not for his political achievements, He started two wars, destroyed the worlds economy, and raised the price of oil to record levels, he is truly evil and the world has been a scary old place under his leadership, and I am sure it will be a much saner safer and less volatile place when we see the back of him, but no matter who takes over. We will loose the richest vein of comedy there has been this century.

Whether we are chuckling at his vacant expression, his massive gaffs or mispronunciations, he will be missed. A quick google search on "George W Bush quotes" gives us page after page of material to laugh at. Here are a few of my favourites.

* "You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror." --interview with CBS News' Katie Couric, Sept. 6, 2006
* "The same folks that are bombing innocent people in Iraq were the ones who attacked us in America on September the 11th." --Washington, D.C., July 12, 2007
* "I'm the commander -- see, I don't need to explain -- I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being president." --as quoted in Bob Woodward's Bush at War10. "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" --Florence, South Carolina, Jan. 11, 2000
* "As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured." --on the No Child Left Behind Act, Washington, D.C., Sept. 26, 2007
* "If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator." --Washington, D.C., Dec. 19, 2000
* "I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Secretary of Defense." --Washington, D.C. April 18, 2006
* "There's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee -- that says, fool me once, shame on --shame on you. Fool me -- you can't get fooled again." --Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002
* "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." --Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004
* "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." --Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004
* "You work three jobs? ... Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." --to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005
* "Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job." --to FEMA director Michael Brown, who resigned 10 days later amid criticism over his handling of the Hurricane Katrina debacle, Mobile, Ala., Sept. 2, 2005
* "My answer is bring them on." --on Iraqi insurgents attacking U.S. forces, Washington, D.C., July 3, 2003


George W Bush You are undoubtedly evil and the worst president your country has ever had , but the comedy world will miss you.

Need some laughs more great comedy here!